Accepting Extra Care Isn’t Always Easy for Seniors

“It’s a hand, not a shark.” That’s what the matronly Nora says as she extends her arm to the scared little boy Pete in Disney’s classic fantasy film, Pete’s Dragon. He really did need her help, but he was scared to take it. Support can be scary like that.

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Seniors who are no longer able to completely care for themselves can have a hard time accepting outside help. I’ve known many aging parents who balk at their children’s offer to hire in-home health care or other forms of assisted living. Hands sometimes look a lot like sharks.

I recently came across an article in Forbes in which one woman explained how her ultra-stubborn mom finally acquiesced and accepted in-home senior care.

The elderly mother didn’t want the help in her own home, but she agreed that for a weeklong vacation away from family, it might not be a bad idea. As it turns out, the mother and the caregiver got along swimmingly. Maybe having someone around more frequently wasn’t such a bad thing after all, she decided.

The truth is that everybody needs a helping hand now and then, but our instincts may lead us to resist. Only you can decide what is best for your family, but I think it’s important to approach these decisions with patience and respect.

It takes a little time sometimes, but kindness and composure can produce the best resolutions.

When Your Parents Lose Their Independence

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Moving is always a stressful experience. But for an elderly person who may be forced to give up his or her home — and possibly independence — it can be downright traumatic.

However, an article I read last week in the Wall Street Journal on line offered some tips on how the transition can be eased.

The most important, the article said, is to offer the older folks the opportunity to make their own choices, if possible. The earlier planning is started, the better.

Starting the discussion early allows for all options to be considered.

Of course, many older folks will not want to have that discussion, but it is important to remind them that if the time comes when they cannot make their own decisions, they will have to be made for them. This way, they get to choose.

If assisted living is in the picture, the adult children should do the research and present the options to their parents. They should be given the chance to visit the various facilities and, once a decision is made, should be given the opportunity to decide what personal possessions they want to bring with them. Many facilities will have floor plans available so the furniture layout can be finalized weeks in advance.

Make sure to get the new residence set up, and the personal items unpacked before your parents spend their first night there. Check with the on-site case managers to see if the adult children should spend a lot of time there in the first few weeks. Some facilities have advised that the children not spend too much time with their parents because it gives the parent a chance to get adjusted on their own.

At the same time, you cannot neglect your own families and duties.

Moving parents can be a challenge, but, done right, it can be done well.

Caring For Spouse Tougher Than Caring For Parent

This blog post is one that many of us in a certain age group will find hits close to home.

(Photo credit: Ed Yourdon)

(Photo credit: Ed Yourdon)

I found this article on dailyfinance.com and it talks about the difficulties we encounter when caring for an ill parent or an ill spouse.

Many of us are finding that we have responsibilities for caring for one or the other or both.

One of the key messages of the story: caring for an ill spouse is more stressful than caring for an ill parent.

Basically, life changes. It is not ever going to be the same if you are caring for an ill spouse. People who find themselves in such a caregiving position experience stress, frustration and anger.

A poll conducted by AARP and reported on in the story showed 62 percent who cared for a spouse said it caused stress in the family, compared to about half who cared for a parent.

About 20 percent said caring for a spouse has weakened their marriage.

Caregiving includes driving your spouse to doctors’ appointments, and may progress on to bathing and other hands-on care.

Most in the poll said they favor more programs to help people care for ill spouses or parents, including tax breaks to encourage people to save for long-term care or to buy long-term care insurance.

It is an issue that we will continue debating for years, I’m afraid.

There is support for caregivers. Most councils on aging have support groups that meet weekly or monthly where caregivers can speak freely about the problems they face. Below are several councils:

Arlington Council on Aging: http://www.arlingtonma.gov/departments/health-human-services/council-on-aging

Winchester Council on Aging: http://www.jenkscenter.org/aging.htm

Massachusetts Alzheimer’s Association Support Groups: https://www.alzmassnh.org/support-groups/find-a-support-group/

There are also many online support resources and forums where people can share information and seek guidance. AARP has a very informative and active website dedicated to caregivers: “Caregiving Resource Center